1 00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,673 2 00:00:06,880 --> 00:00:12,273 3 00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:16,678 4 00:00:16,880 --> 00:00:21,670 5 00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,668 Panic attack, panic attack, panic attack! 6 00:01:02,440 --> 00:01:04,396 God! 7 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:41,950 Health, health, health, darling! 8 00:01:51,440 --> 00:01:55,479 - Washing machiine. - That's absolutley right, sweetie. 9 00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:59,195 Feeling great I expect this morning are you ? 10 00:01:59,400 --> 00:02:01,550 Fabulous, darling. 11 00:02:07,040 --> 00:02:08,837 Oh God!Patsy can put it away can't she sweety ? 12 00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:13,237 Oh God !Stop looking at me like that, sweetie! 13 00:02:13,960 --> 00:02:18,112 What do I have to do to convince you 14 00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,118 I had one bloody drink, sweetie! 15 00:02:26,000 --> 00:02:28,195 You know are you accusing me of something? 16 00:02:28,400 --> 00:02:32,837 Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Your eye bags are rouged. 17 00:02:35,480 --> 00:02:38,358 - What are you eating there? - Toast. 18 00:02:39,520 --> 00:02:42,159 - What is that on the toast? - It's honey, Mother. 19 00:02:42,360 --> 00:02:47,912 Honey? That's not honey, that's my bloody royal jelly moisturiser, sweetie. 20 00:02:48,120 --> 00:02:52,910 Good God, you are eating 300 pounds worth of royal jelly, darling. 21 00:02:53,120 --> 00:02:56,954 It's been hand-squished out of a bee's backside. 22 00:02:57,160 --> 00:03:00,994 And not any old bloody bee, but the bloody Gucci of bees, darling. 23 00:03:01,200 --> 00:03:05,113 This is the stuff that Jackie Stallone would kill for this, darling. 24 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:09,230 That's better. 25 00:03:10,280 --> 00:03:13,636 - Make me a cup of coffee,darling. - You know where it is, make it yourself. 26 00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:17,355 - I don't know where it bloody is, do I? - Please don't swear. 27 00:03:18,960 --> 00:03:22,430 Sweetie, make mum a cup of coffee. 28 00:03:22,640 --> 00:03:26,679 You're so clever and you know where everything is darling, don't you? 29 00:03:26,880 --> 00:03:30,839 I think it's marvellous the way you know where everything is. You're marvellous. 30 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:34,510 Flattery won't turn me into your servant. The coffee is in front of you. 31 00:03:34,720 --> 00:03:37,917 Pick up a spoon, put coffee in cup, pour on boiling water. 32 00:03:38,120 --> 00:03:41,749 Scald hands, get third-degree burns, scream in agony... 33 00:03:41,960 --> 00:03:45,077 Do you really want that on your conscience this morning? 34 00:03:45,280 --> 00:03:49,159 - Alright... - Thank you, sweetheart. 35 00:03:49,360 --> 00:03:51,920 No, not instant, darling, not instant. 36 00:03:52,120 --> 00:03:54,793 Grind some beans, for God's sake. 37 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:59,152 Instant coffee is just old beans that have been cremated. I don't want them. 38 00:03:59,360 --> 00:04:02,432 I want them entire with life force today. 39 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:09,999 Could you not pull that face while you grind? 40 00:04:10,200 --> 00:04:13,954 I don't really want to drink a cup full of your anger. 41 00:04:14,160 --> 00:04:16,879 Anyway, I shouldn't be drinking coffee. I shouldn't be bloody drinking coffee 42 00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:21,392 I don't want any coffee, throw it away, . I don't want any bloody coffee! 43 00:04:25,360 --> 00:04:29,751 I just wanted some fennel twig tea or something. 44 00:04:34,600 --> 00:04:38,832 Look at the time, sweetie. I should be in the office! 45 00:04:39,040 --> 00:04:42,396 Sweetie, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie! Tell them my car hasn't arrived, 46 00:04:42,600 --> 00:04:45,478 there's traffic door-to- door and I'm not well! 47 00:04:45,680 --> 00:04:48,240 Hello? My mother's sitting here in her dressing gown... 48 00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:55,157 it's just me, darling. "Dressing gown", sha knows nothing about fashion. 49 00:04:55,360 --> 00:04:57,874 Now listen, sweetie. 50 00:04:58,080 --> 00:05:01,356 I'm literally out of the door when my bloody car turns up, 51 00:05:01,560 --> 00:05:04,632 and I'm managing to keep a lid on things this end alright ? 52 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:07,877 I know you can manage that end, Bubble darling, alright? 53 00:05:08,080 --> 00:05:11,231 I'm chanting as we speak. Bye-bye, darling. 54 00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:18,273 You're not a Buddhist, you wouldn't understand. 55 00:05:18,480 --> 00:05:21,995 Mum, you did it for a week, which admittedly for you is a record. 56 00:05:22,200 --> 00:05:25,397 It's not a fad, darling. It's not like crystals. 57 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,993 please, stop it! 58 00:05:42,560 --> 00:05:48,351 Sweetie, you wouldn't say that if you knew how much we owe to my chanting darling. 59 00:05:49,080 --> 00:05:54,200 This house wouldn't be here, darling. I chanted for this gorgeous house! 60 00:05:54,400 --> 00:05:57,358 I chanted to be successful and believe in myself. 61 00:06:01,720 --> 00:06:05,030 Please let me make some more money so I can buy Saffron books and a car. 62 00:06:05,240 --> 00:06:07,310 Ding, ding, ding, ding! 63 00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:12,076 In Buddhist obviously,, not in English, when I do it properly. 64 00:06:12,280 --> 00:06:16,159 - What is it, some sort of cosmic cash machine? - Oh God! 65 00:06:16,360 --> 00:06:21,354 could you try not being so cynical today. Today I need just a little bit of bloody support. 66 00:06:21,560 --> 00:06:23,755 Why is today such a panic, anyway? 67 00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:27,236 It's only a fashion show and you've had six months to prepare it. 68 00:06:27,440 --> 00:06:30,159 Why is everything always so hysterical? 69 00:06:30,360 --> 00:06:33,716 All you've got to do is play a bit of music, turn on the lights, 70 00:06:33,920 --> 00:06:35,876 get some people who have thrown up everything they've ever eaten 71 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,150 and send them down a catwalk. 72 00:06:38,360 --> 00:06:41,796 Greater feats have been achieved in less time and with less fuss. 73 00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:43,956 Not quite with it, darling, are you? 74 00:06:44,160 --> 00:06:48,438 Major motion pictures are made, huge concerts are put on in stadiums... 75 00:06:48,640 --> 00:06:52,269 I mean for God's sake, 500,000 troops were mobilised in the Gulf, 76 00:06:52,480 --> 00:06:56,109 a war fought and won in less time, without everyone involved having a nervous breakdown 77 00:06:56,320 --> 00:07:00,836 and being sent flowers. It can't be that difficult. 78 00:07:01,040 --> 00:07:05,192 Darling, every troop didn't have to contain Yasmin Le Bon. 79 00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:09,076 The generals didn't require "big hugs" after every manoeuvre, 80 00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,555 and the whole operation did not have to be co-ordinated 81 00:07:11,760 --> 00:07:13,796 to rap and Japanese avant-garde pipe music. 82 00:07:14,000 --> 00:07:19,199 Because I think if it had, the outcome might have been rather different, don't you? 83 00:07:21,040 --> 00:07:22,553 mmm ??? 84 00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,958 Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to go and get dressed. 85 00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:34,031 Forgot to ring Chukhani. He was going to channel a colour for me today. 86 00:07:39,200 --> 00:07:42,237 Chukhani, it's Edina. Green. Thank you, darling. 87 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:50,314 Don't look at me like that. There's more to it. 88 00:07:50,520 --> 00:07:53,273 - Of course, there is. The bill. - Sweetie, sweetie. 89 00:07:53,480 --> 00:07:56,631 He doesn't just choose the colour... Listen,cause you might learn something now. 90 00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,389 He doesn't just choose the colour himself, darling. 91 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,717 It is related to who I was in a previous existence. 92 00:08:04,920 --> 00:08:07,354 And who was it you were in a previous life ? 93 00:08:07,560 --> 00:08:10,472 I suppose you were the Elizabeth Taylor of the Ming dynasty? 94 00:08:10,680 --> 00:08:11,954 Well close, yes. 95 00:08:12,160 --> 00:08:14,355 So how come you've ended up just a mad, fat, old cow? 96 00:08:18,160 --> 00:08:21,277 Will you stop saying that word "fat"? 97 00:08:22,960 --> 00:08:24,951 Stop it, now! Stop it! 98 00:08:27,520 --> 00:08:31,399 I know you're only saying it to annoy me. Aren't you, darling? 99 00:08:31,600 --> 00:08:34,068 No, I'm saying it because it's true... 100 00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:41,310 Oh God, oh God, oh God, oh God... 101 00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:45,150 What happened, then? 102 00:08:45,360 --> 00:08:49,194 Why do you have to pick on everything I do? All I want are a few little things, 103 00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:53,234 a few little pleasures, a few little crutches to help me get through life, darling. 104 00:08:53,440 --> 00:08:57,194 Get through? Mum, you've absolved yourself of responsiblity. 105 00:08:57,400 --> 00:09:00,551 You live from self-induced crisis to self-induced crisis. 106 00:09:00,760 --> 00:09:03,718 Someone does your hair,someone chooses what you wear,someone does your brain, 107 00:09:03,920 --> 00:09:05,911 someone tells you what to eat, and three times a week 108 00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:10,193 someone sticks a hose up your bum and flushes it all out of you. 109 00:09:14,120 --> 00:09:18,432 It's called colonic irrigation, darling. It's not to be sniffed at. 110 00:09:18,640 --> 00:09:22,155 Why can't you just go to the toilet like normal people? 111 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:28,151 Is that what you really want me to be darling, normal? Some boring, old, normal old toilet goer? 112 00:09:28,360 --> 00:09:30,396 hmmm ??? 113 00:09:30,600 --> 00:09:33,990 "Where's Mummy?". "She's on the toilet." 114 00:09:34,200 --> 00:09:36,509 "But I want to go to somewhere interesting and meet exciting people." 115 00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,676 "well she can't take you because she's on the bloody toilet." 116 00:09:38,880 --> 00:09:40,996 well anybody can go to the toilet, they say. 117 00:09:41,200 --> 00:09:43,760 well they obviously, haven't seen you drunk... 118 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,191 What do you mean by that remark? 119 00:09:47,400 --> 00:09:50,153 Can I just say thank you, bloody thank you, 120 00:09:50,360 --> 00:09:52,112 so stop doing that now! 121 00:09:52,320 --> 00:09:54,914 Thank you so bloody much for giving me such a lot of support 122 00:09:55,120 --> 00:09:57,236 on this bloody important day... 123 00:09:58,640 --> 00:10:02,838 darling a lot of daughters might have offered to come with me and help, but no, not you. 124 00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,157 You've probably got something rather interesting to listen to on Radio 4 have you ?... 125 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:12,354 ...or some new exhibit of test-tubes at the Science Museum to go and see. 126 00:10:13,960 --> 00:10:17,111 It doesn't matter, I'll just go on my own. 127 00:10:18,120 --> 00:10:20,236 There's a little party afterwards,you know darling, 128 00:10:20,440 --> 00:10:24,479 but i'll probably just go on my own to that as well, shall i? 129 00:10:34,440 --> 00:10:36,635 - No. - Oh Come on, darling. Sweetheart... 130 00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,718 It's your drama-you act in it. I won't be your accessory. 131 00:10:39,920 --> 00:10:41,717 "What should i wear the daughter with the Dior?". 132 00:10:41,920 --> 00:10:45,833 "Oh look at Edina isn't she marvellous and she's got a family, I don't know how she does it. How clever!" 133 00:10:46,040 --> 00:10:48,554 - Time of the month, darling? - No. 134 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:52,912 Just thought you looked as if you were retaining a little water down here. 135 00:10:53,120 --> 00:10:57,113 Darling, if you want to lose weight sweetie I've got some marvellous pills upstairs darling. 136 00:10:57,320 --> 00:11:00,278 You just pee it out overnight. 137 00:11:00,480 --> 00:11:02,357 Alright... 138 00:11:03,560 --> 00:11:05,755 - You're not seeing your father tonight are you darling? - No. 139 00:11:05,960 --> 00:11:08,758 - Good. - Go and get dressed. 140 00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:17,153 Darling. Darling, look at Mummy. Look at Mummy, sweetie. 141 00:11:18,560 --> 00:11:20,994 Do I need surgery, darling? 142 00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:23,794 - Yes. - Alright. 143 00:11:28,840 --> 00:11:31,912 Get your mouth sewn up. 144 00:11:34,240 --> 00:11:36,310 I'm still here, darling. I heard that. 145 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:41,276 Yes well i pay you to interpret my dreams, so can't you at least find a hidden depth? 146 00:11:41,480 --> 00:11:44,756 Well, I'm not willing to believe I'm simply that obvious 147 00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:49,952 And if you're a bloody psychic psychologist, how come i'm always having to call you? 148 00:11:50,160 --> 00:11:52,230 Oh just stuff it! 149 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:56,831 Saffy darling, I'm off, but I won't see you later, because you don't love me enough darling. 150 00:12:01,720 --> 00:12:03,676 Lacroix, sweetie! 151 00:12:04,720 --> 00:12:08,474 It's alright, isn't it? it's a bit tight maybe, but it's alright, isn't it? 152 00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:11,956 You know, people will think, "Wow, it's a Lacroix!" OK? 153 00:12:12,160 --> 00:12:14,071 I just can't find anything to go with it that's all. 154 00:12:14,280 --> 00:12:17,556 Maybe I can throw up on something for you? 155 00:12:17,760 --> 00:12:20,354 - Oh I see. Someone already has. - Jean Muir. 156 00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:27,030 Bloody door! It will be my car. Sweetie, it will be my car. 157 00:12:27,240 --> 00:12:28,798 - Darling. - Pats, darling. 158 00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:32,310 Sweetie, your car's here. I thought I might scrounge a coffee. 159 00:12:32,520 --> 00:12:35,717 Well darling, I can't I'm in a dreadful rush. I can't... 160 00:12:35,920 --> 00:12:37,751 Saff is here, though alright? 161 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,758 - What are you wearing Eddy? - Lacroix. 162 00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:43,030 - It's fabulous. - Good, thank you. 163 00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:46,630 - Patsy could go with you, Mother. - Yes, why don't you come with me in the car? 164 00:12:46,840 --> 00:12:48,990 We'll talk in the car. Alright, darling? 165 00:12:49,200 --> 00:12:53,432 Bye-bye, sweetie, darling bye bye. Have a little haircut, have a little bob. 166 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:54,993 - Don't be... - What darling? 167 00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,953 - Don't be late. - Alright, sweetie. 168 00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:00,998 Or drunk... 169 00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:10,076 Darliing, stop me drinking today. Saff has threatened to leave home again. 170 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:11,679 darling you don't drink. 171 00:13:11,880 --> 00:13:14,235 look i know i'm not a drinker, but you know what she's like i mean... 172 00:13:14,440 --> 00:13:17,079 A pig. 173 00:13:17,280 --> 00:13:20,113 God, I must ring in and tell them I'm coming. 174 00:13:20,320 --> 00:13:24,518 - What will you drink if you stop drinking? - I shall drink water. 175 00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,553 It's a mixer, Patsy. We have it with whisky. 176 00:13:27,760 --> 00:13:30,274 You know what it's like. You've given up drinking before. 177 00:13:30,480 --> 00:13:32,277 worst eight hours of my life. 178 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,472 Right, it's me. I'm on my way in. 179 00:13:35,680 --> 00:13:38,513 Everything's completely under control this end, how is it with you? 180 00:13:38,720 --> 00:13:42,713 Lights, models, guest list? 181 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,837 Just do your best, darling. I'm rushing. Bye. 182 00:13:48,560 --> 00:13:50,790 - Are you going straight to the office? - Yes. 183 00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:53,036 - Past Harvey Nic's? - No, Pats 184 00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:58,436 Could we? Well, it is nearly lunch-time. 185 00:13:58,640 --> 00:14:01,359 - 10:30, Patsy. - mmm!! 186 00:14:04,440 --> 00:14:08,069 well look we can do Harvey Nichols quickly and then we'll pick up some lunch 187 00:14:08,280 --> 00:14:10,191 and just take it into the office. I think it would look better. 188 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:11,958 Whatever. 189 00:14:12,160 --> 00:14:15,357 But darling remember it's your company. You're the boss, you can do what you want. 190 00:14:15,560 --> 00:14:19,599 - Don't let them pressure you. - I'll just ring and tell them. Shall i? 191 00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:24,230 - You'll kill yourself the way you go on. - Yes, i'll ring them later. 192 00:14:27,120 --> 00:14:29,315 Darling, you will come to the show tonight, won't you? 193 00:14:29,520 --> 00:14:32,193 Saffy's refused you know and I need just a little bit of support. 194 00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:35,597 Well, of course you do and of course I will. 195 00:14:35,800 --> 00:14:38,189 Deserted by son and daughter. 196 00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:41,915 Where is Serge? Where is Serge? 197 00:14:42,120 --> 00:14:46,193 Potholing with his university, I don't want to talk about it. 198 00:14:46,400 --> 00:14:48,755 I sometimes wonder what the point of having children is 199 00:14:48,960 --> 00:14:51,394 if they're not going to turn up to your launches? 200 00:14:51,600 --> 00:14:53,909 Did you tell them how important it was for you darling? 201 00:14:54,120 --> 00:14:58,352 Did i tell them? I faxed the bloody dean, the bollocky halls of residence 202 00:14:58,560 --> 00:15:01,393 and the buggery mountain rescue. What more can I do? 203 00:15:01,600 --> 00:15:04,478 Nothing, and you shouldn't have to. 204 00:15:04,680 --> 00:15:07,638 I mean, look at you. You've been a fantastic mother. 205 00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,515 You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, 206 00:15:11,720 --> 00:15:14,154 you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for godsake? 207 00:15:14,360 --> 00:15:17,750 For a potholer who's worn nothing but a purple nylon tracksuit and a Gazza t-shirt 208 00:15:17,960 --> 00:15:21,111 for the past two years. Cut the cord, darling. 209 00:15:21,320 --> 00:15:24,357 - Left here if we're going to Harvey Nic's. - Left! 210 00:15:27,480 --> 00:15:30,756 We're going to San Fred's for lunch and then we're going shopping. 211 00:15:40,080 --> 00:15:42,913 Eddy, can I borrow your phone? 212 00:15:54,520 --> 00:15:57,557 Thanks. I'm glad you're with me Pats, because otherwise I wouldn't use that car. 213 00:15:57,760 --> 00:16:01,389 I wouldn't use that huge car pouring out petrol fumes and pollution like that, 214 00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,036 but you know there were three people in that car. Three people in that car! 215 00:16:05,240 --> 00:16:07,549 Oh shut up, Eddy. No one can hear you. 216 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,876 darling it's me. I'm coming into the office now. 217 00:16:10,080 --> 00:16:12,878 I'm coming through the door. 218 00:16:14,560 --> 00:16:19,156 right i'm here, darling. Don't panic, don't panic. I'm here. 219 00:16:19,360 --> 00:16:23,797 Right, Bubble. Let's get things moving. Sweetie, darling, I'm sorry i'm so late. 220 00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,116 - I think everything's just about done. 221 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,356 I told you things would manage without you darling. 222 00:16:28,560 --> 00:16:33,429 Right. Now, Bubble, did all the models turn up? 223 00:16:33,640 --> 00:16:35,392 - Yeah every single one. - Good, good. 224 00:16:35,600 --> 00:16:37,591 Except one. 225 00:16:38,720 --> 00:16:42,793 Except one? You're not going to tell me it's Yasmin Le Bon, darling? 226 00:16:43,000 --> 00:16:44,353 - No. - Thank God! 227 00:16:44,560 --> 00:16:47,950 No, sorry, yeah. Yasmin Le Bon is ill. 228 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:54,513 Oh my buggery bollocks. Why the bloody hell didn't you tell me earlier? 229 00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,439 Well, her husband's just phoned and said "Simon Le Bon", 230 00:16:57,640 --> 00:16:59,756 which I thought was really amusing. 231 00:17:01,120 --> 00:17:02,439 Amusiing, darling? 232 00:17:02,640 --> 00:17:06,553 Yeah. Very modern of him to take his wife's name. 233 00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:08,113 Bubble, sweetie... 234 00:17:08,320 --> 00:17:11,039 I phoned round and I think I may have found a replacement. 235 00:17:11,240 --> 00:17:12,992 - Good, good. Who? - Betty Boo. 236 00:17:13,200 --> 00:17:14,918 Shit. 237 00:17:15,480 --> 00:17:18,438 Some of the designers aren't happy, but I said you'd speak to them. 238 00:17:18,640 --> 00:17:21,677 - This is all your fault, Patsy. - It's all fixable. 239 00:17:21,880 --> 00:17:25,475 Yes, you're right. Come on, how is the celebrity and VIP list looking? 240 00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:28,558 Good, I think. But you know me, I don't know anybody. 241 00:17:28,760 --> 00:17:30,671 Come on, darling. Come on, darling! 242 00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,792 Just tell me about Joan Collins, Stephanie Powers, Paloma Picasso, 243 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:36,878 Charlotte Rampliing, Catheriine Denueve. Give me some names, darling. 244 00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:38,593 - So far? - So far. 245 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:42,190 So far Sinitta and Anne Robinson definite. 246 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:46,518 We're still chasing Anneka Rice. Gave up on Norma Major. 247 00:17:46,720 --> 00:17:50,349 Just get me my phone book now, would you darling? Get me my phone book. 248 00:17:50,560 --> 00:17:52,596 I mean Princess Di has to have somebody to sit next to. 249 00:17:52,800 --> 00:17:55,519 - You don't get Princess Di... - Anne, Anne. 250 00:17:55,720 --> 00:17:58,439 Princess Anne. 251 00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:03,153 As well as is it darling? 252 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:06,750 Instead of. Only. Possibly with daughter. 253 00:18:08,080 --> 00:18:09,832 Why, why? 254 00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:12,270 There was a bit of a mix-up. I didn't make the call, 255 00:18:12,480 --> 00:18:14,596 but she's very game and a really nice person. 256 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:17,189 I wouldn't care if she was Mother bloody Teresa! 257 00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:19,152 It doesn't matter for our purposes. 258 00:18:19,360 --> 00:18:22,716 What we need is a princess with a press following and a designer dress on her back! 259 00:18:22,920 --> 00:18:25,229 Not someone who looks like she runs up her own. 260 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:31,790 well her people were a bit cagey about which designer she favoured. 261 00:18:32,000 --> 00:18:33,877 The only label she wears is "drip dry". 262 00:18:34,080 --> 00:18:36,196 Come on, come on, come on, darling! 263 00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:39,153 Let's take stock now. We've got three hours. 264 00:18:39,360 --> 00:18:41,920 darling finish the beaujolais and walk away, from it. 265 00:18:42,120 --> 00:18:44,918 - Shut up now, Patsy. - Right, I'm off. 266 00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:48,635 - Are we eating? - Yes what of. French, Italian, whatever you like. 267 00:18:48,840 --> 00:18:50,717 Oh darling no one's eating that sort of food any more. 268 00:18:50,920 --> 00:18:53,639 but there's a fabulous new Japanese in Mayfair. 269 00:18:53,840 --> 00:18:56,434 Everything is raw. Anything which has a pulse is lunch. 270 00:18:56,640 --> 00:18:58,312 Alright, darling, whatever. 271 00:18:58,520 --> 00:19:02,195 The magazine called for you, Patsy. They need some decisions about this month's cover. 272 00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:04,356 oh really ! Whatever can they need to know? 273 00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:09,634 I mean it's the same every month, a model in make-up with a vacant look on her face. 274 00:19:09,840 --> 00:19:12,195 well i might drop in on the way home. see you later eddy, i'll leave the bottle. 275 00:19:12,400 --> 00:19:15,358 no don't leave the bottle, Patsy. I need a clear head forthe next three hours darling. 276 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:17,198 - Do you want some coke? - No, sweetie no. 277 00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:20,790 - No, shh! - Save it 'till later. Good luck, darling. 278 00:19:22,400 --> 00:19:25,517 Have you got something I can pee into? I want to do another test before i go. 279 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:30,032 Bloody hell, Patsy! Wash it this time, will you? 280 00:19:32,400 --> 00:19:34,914 Anyway,darling who was it you were with last night? 281 00:19:35,120 --> 00:19:38,271 He was just a windscreen washer I picked up at the traffic lights. 282 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,268 - Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls. - Bye, Pats Darling, bye. 283 00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,313 - Bye-bye, sweetheart. Bye, darling. - Goodbye, sweetie. 284 00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:48,717 - darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual - Thank you. 285 00:19:48,920 --> 00:19:51,275 and remember, i've known you longer than your daughter 286 00:19:51,480 --> 00:19:55,029 and anything you do is alright by me. you know y ou're my bestfriend, sweetheart. 287 00:19:55,240 --> 00:19:57,879 - Can I take your car? - Sweetie! 288 00:19:58,080 --> 00:20:00,878 Well, as long as it's back by six, I'm alright. 289 00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:03,278 Bye, Eddy. Thanks, darling. 290 00:20:03,480 --> 00:20:09,157 Right.Now, Bubble, I want a list of every PR company, 291 00:20:09,360 --> 00:20:12,193 every record company in the country, I want a copy of "Who's Who?" 292 00:20:12,400 --> 00:20:16,279 and the latest edition of Hello! Magazine. Let's get "celebritied" up! Come on! 293 00:20:17,040 --> 00:20:22,160 Bubble, I want four huge video screens down either side of the catwalk. 294 00:20:22,360 --> 00:20:26,273 I want to flash-up pictures of sad, but beautiful children, happy gay couples, 295 00:20:26,480 --> 00:20:30,155 slogans like "World Health", "No Pollution", "Fashion Cares".Alright darling? 296 00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,717 and print up thousands of new invitations on green, totally recycled paper, 297 00:20:34,920 --> 00:20:38,469 and cab them around to everybody. Now, now! 298 00:20:39,360 --> 00:20:42,432 Now, darling. Now, sweetie! Now, now! 299 00:20:45,240 --> 00:20:49,711 get on Princess Anne's people... tell her that everybody there will be mentally ill. 300 00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,798 Tell her we'll sponsor her to wear a designer dress ok 301 00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,877 and make sure she realises that if she doesn't 302 00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:57,913 those little children won't get anything. 303 00:20:59,440 --> 00:21:01,556 Press release. Free champagne reception. 304 00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,990 get on to Moet and Chandon. Tell them it's for charity. 305 00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,909 Get on to Joan Collins. Tell her it's free champagne. 306 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:11,513 Look, darling. I don't want to wear this, sweetie. 307 00:21:11,720 --> 00:21:14,029 I want to look completely happening and unbiased. 308 00:21:14,240 --> 00:21:18,074 No, sweetie. just get me something from every collection.Alright darling? Come on! 309 00:21:18,280 --> 00:21:21,078 Come on! Leave that, darling, leave that. 310 00:21:22,560 --> 00:21:25,358 Come On! Quick, quick, quick, come on! 311 00:21:25,880 --> 00:21:27,598 Come on! 312 00:21:27,800 --> 00:21:31,429 - They loved it. - No, they hated me, they hated me. 313 00:21:31,640 --> 00:21:33,676 No, love, love, love. 314 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,158 - They loved it. - I hate them now, I hate them! 315 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:47,957 Pats, it's fabulous,fabulous! A truly major fashion event is happening out there. 316 00:21:48,160 --> 00:21:51,869 - Well done, darling. - Thanks. Everybody's there, everybody! 317 00:21:52,080 --> 00:21:57,154 Big names. Chanel, Dior, Lagerfeld, Givenchy, Gaultier, darling. 318 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,955 Names, names, names. Every rich bitch from Now York is in there. 319 00:22:01,200 --> 00:22:04,351 Hockwenden, Ruttenstein, Vandebilt, Rothschild, 320 00:22:04,560 --> 00:22:08,109 Hookenfooken berger, Daschund, Rottweiler, sweetie. 321 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,312 A whole row of skeletons with Jackie O hairdos. 322 00:22:11,520 --> 00:22:14,478 Harper's, Tatler,, English Vogue, American Vogue, 323 00:22:14,680 --> 00:22:18,389 French Vogue, bloody Aby-bloody-ssinian Vogue, 324 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,797 Jeff Banks and Selina Scott couldn't even get a ticket, darling. 325 00:22:23,080 --> 00:22:24,957 I'm going down in history Pats, as the woman 326 00:22:25,160 --> 00:22:28,789 that put Princess Anne in a Vivienne Westwood basque. 327 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:31,036 People weren't even looking at what was happening on the catwalk. 328 00:22:31,240 --> 00:22:36,189 Good job, really darling. Betty Boo and Danii Minogue did their best, but frankly... 329 00:22:36,400 --> 00:22:39,358 - Cheers, anyway. - Cheers. 330 00:22:42,280 --> 00:22:45,238 - Pats? - Darling. 331 00:22:45,440 --> 00:22:47,670 Are we keeping these two? 332 00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,668 No, I thought we'd get a couple of different ones at the party. 333 00:23:04,840 --> 00:23:07,798 If I squat down i'll piss myself. 334 00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:18,555 - Let's go away,, Eddy. - Oh sweetie! 335 00:23:19,960 --> 00:23:23,475 - When, darling, when? - Now. Let's go on holiday... 336 00:23:23,680 --> 00:23:27,434 I can't, sweetie. I promised Saff I'd get home tonight. 337 00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,835 Don't start making me go on holiday., Pats! 338 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:32,600 Darling, you need a holiday... 339 00:23:32,800 --> 00:23:35,758 How long has she been around for? She's been around forever. 340 00:23:36,480 --> 00:23:41,076 - 16 she is, Pats - 16 years you've had her. 16 years! 341 00:23:41,280 --> 00:23:43,794 - Get rid of her! - I can't! 342 00:23:44,640 --> 00:23:49,111 - Montserrat, I want to go to Montserrat. - Look at me, Patsy. 343 00:23:49,320 --> 00:23:52,471 - You're looking at a huge success tonight. - I know, darling, I know. 344 00:23:52,680 --> 00:23:58,949 Career and all this. I've got fabulous kids who adore me. 345 00:24:06,880 --> 00:24:09,713 I just moved myself there, Pats. I'm sorry. 346 00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,352 What was I saying, Patsy? 347 00:24:12,560 --> 00:24:14,471 You were just going to tell me about their bastard... 348 00:24:14,680 --> 00:24:17,035 Bastard bloody fathers! 349 00:24:17,920 --> 00:24:20,878 God, I married the two biggest shits in the world, didn't I? 350 00:24:21,080 --> 00:24:22,354 Unhh...??? 351 00:24:27,120 --> 00:24:29,429 do you know i don't know why it went wrong with Justin, 352 00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,916 because we just adored each other, you know? 353 00:24:33,120 --> 00:24:35,076 He's gay. 354 00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,795 No, Patsy, that wasn't the reason, was it? 355 00:24:39,000 --> 00:24:42,595 - Oh let's go on holiday... - Stop it, stop it! 356 00:24:42,800 --> 00:24:46,475 Stop it now! Look, she mustn't know I've had a drink, darling. 357 00:24:46,680 --> 00:24:49,592 - She mustn't know I've had a drink. - Darliing, you're only slightly drunk. 358 00:24:49,800 --> 00:24:53,918 - I can't let her know I've had a drink. - Come on, sweetie. 359 00:24:54,120 --> 00:24:57,396 - Go on, sweetie, go on. - She'll never know, will she, darling? 360 00:24:57,600 --> 00:25:02,913 - She's not your bloody mother! - She's not my bloody mother! 361 00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:05,634 Mother never knew,, did she, Pats? Remember? 362 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:11,313 Oh far out! Oh that's fantastic! 363 00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:26,838 - Are you going to come in? - No. 364 00:25:28,440 --> 00:25:30,351 Ciao. 365 00:25:55,320 --> 00:25:58,630 Hello, Edwina dear. Good concert? 366 00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:01,229 Why don't you come in and tell us all about it? 367 00:26:01,440 --> 00:26:03,431 Your father and I are still up. 368 00:26:05,360 --> 00:26:07,635 I'm very tired, actually. 369 00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:14,709 Come on, dear. Your father would love to see you. 370 00:26:23,360 --> 00:26:25,157 Hi. 371 00:26:27,800 --> 00:26:30,155 Here she is. 372 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:33,033 Where was the concert this time, dear? 373 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:35,879 Eel Pie Island again, was it? 374 00:26:36,080 --> 00:26:38,992 And who was it? Anyone we should have heard of? 375 00:26:39,200 --> 00:26:42,909 The Beatles, The Stones, The Rolling Who? 376 00:26:43,120 --> 00:26:46,715 You look a bit dizzy, dear. Are you OK? 377 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,711 Is that cider I can smell on your breath? 378 00:27:01,560 --> 00:27:03,278 No, she's not. 379 00:27:03,480 --> 00:27:06,472 It's alright, darling, she's not here. She's not here, darling. 380 00:27:06,680 --> 00:27:09,717 Oh God! The pig's here. Come on, sweetie. 381 00:27:11,640 --> 00:27:14,837 Come on, sweetheart. Alright, darling? 382 00:27:15,040 --> 00:27:17,474 Alright, Eddy? Alright, sweetheart. 383 00:27:17,680 --> 00:27:20,513 Go, Vinny. Goodnight, Eddy-darling. 384 00:27:30,200 --> 00:27:32,509 Sweetie, you didn't have to... 385 00:27:45,840 --> 00:27:50,630 Sweetie, darling. Sweetie, darling, Mummy's here sweetie. 386 00:27:50,840 --> 00:27:52,398 Mummy is... 387 00:27:54,880 --> 00:27:57,678 Sweetie, darling, let me in. 388 00:27:57,880 --> 00:28:00,075 Sweetie, darling, let me in! 389 00:28:08,560 --> 00:28:13,315 Stay still! Do you want to sleep in your clothes? 390 00:28:13,520 --> 00:28:15,829 Thank you. Yes, I do. 391 00:28:21,320 --> 00:28:24,949 Where's my joint box? You've stolen it again. 392 00:28:25,160 --> 00:28:28,835 What do you want that for? Where is it, darling? 393 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:34,478 Oh sweetie. Help Mummy now, help Mummy. 394 00:28:34,680 --> 00:28:36,750 Do you want a glass of water? 395 00:28:37,720 --> 00:28:41,349 Oh hang on a moment. Mum, it's the Betty Ford Clinic. 396 00:28:45,280 --> 00:28:46,554 What do they want? 397 00:28:46,760 --> 00:28:51,197 They say they are confirming the booking for four weeks from next Monday. 398 00:28:54,560 --> 00:28:57,916 sweetie i think it's the only way. Don't you, darling? 399 00:28:59,160 --> 00:29:02,391 I'm going to swallow my pride and do it, if that's alright by you. 400 00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:04,352 You've been very good to me. Thank you darling. 401 00:29:04,560 --> 00:29:07,677 - Well done! - Thank you, sweetie. 402 00:29:13,920 --> 00:29:16,354 Thanks, Pats